What I wish my monogamous friends knew about polyamory

What I wish my monogamous friends knew about polyamory

Guest post by David Britton

“You can’t have a greek prefix with a latin suffix!”. That’s what my friend DeeJay said about polyamory and, so far, that’s the best argument I’ve heard against it.

When I was single I remember once telling my friends about having sex with two women in the same week. It was all congrats and high-fives. A few years later when I mentioned going out to brunch with two women I was dating they acted like I’d lost my mind. Sharing bodily fluids was one thing, but a pitcher of mimosas? This was madness. For some reason, having sex with multiple people is way more acceptable in our society if those people don’t know about each other. And while it’s easy to tell society as a whole to go sit on it, it’s a little different when it comes to your friends. I’ve been polyamorous for about seven years now and the vast majority of my friends (grammar-policing aside) have been supportive, albeit somewhat confused. Here are the answers to some of the most common questions they ask me after they’ve had a few drinks.

No I don’t mind you asking.

The truth is everybody wants to know everyone’s business, especially if boning is involved. That’s not to say all questions are okay, or that everyone is as open to talking about their love lives as I am. If you ask some girl, “So like how many d’s do you get in your p?” don’t blame me if you get slapped (side note: hitting is wrong), but if you’re legitimately curious and can ask your question like a goddamn human with some manners, you’ll be fine. Just be aware, that like everyone else, I love talking about myself and you’re probably gonna be bored after the first five minutes.

Yes I love my girlfriend

And yes, we’re happy together. I mean right now there’s a sinkful of dishes that one of us is going to have to do (it’s my turn) but things are good. Poly isn’t about being unsatisfied with your partner, it’s about not closing yourself off to exploring something good with someone else. Especially if that someone else is sexy. Although...

No it’s not all about sex.

I mean at least not anymore than any other relationship. Which means it’s a lot about sex at the beginning and a lot about buying groceries and watching Netflix in the middle. Polyamory and swinging are two different things. Swinging is about sex with multiple partners. Poly is about being romantically involved with multiple partners. Obviously there’s some crossover, and poly people do tend to be more open minded about sex, but we still spend our fair share of time arguing about whose house to go to on Thanksgiving. In fact, we spend way more time doing that than the rest of you. Which brings me to my next point.

I have no idea how we schedule all this crap.

I have no idea how anyone schedules anything to begin with. It’s hard. Scheduling is always hard. Your sister is getting her PHD on the same day as your friend's bachelor party. What do you do? Okay clearly you go to the one with booze, but you know what I mean. There’s a sub-question here that goes something like “how do you prioritize people?” And we’ve been doing that since kindergarten when we were introduced to the term “best friend.” There’s no simple solution to this, but I think the answer has something to do with empathy and Google calendar.

Yes I’m worried about “diseases”

And you should be too. In my experience, Poly people are way more open to discussing safe sex and STI testing with their partners. In fact, it gets a little tedious. If I have to sit through one more conversation about dental dams, I’m going to lose my mind. Still, taking the shame out your game is good for everyone.

I don’t think monogamy is wrong

Polyamory isn’t for everyone. It can be frustrating sometimes. I mean, Christmas shopping is a nightmare. And just because, in general, I’m happy to see the woman I’m dating being happy with the guy she’s dating, it doesn’t mean a part of me isn’t jealous when I see a Facebook picture of them sharing a corndog at the state fair. I thought corndogs were our thing Sarah?! Monogamy certainly has its advantages. If nothing else, you end up helping a lot less people move.

In the end, polyamory just works for me. It might not work for you and that’s cool, but if you’re going to ask me a ton of questions about it, the least you could do is to offer to lend me your truck. Allison has two futons she needs to get across town.


David Britton is a comedian and writer who grew watching Marx Brothers movies (which his mother loved) and Mystery Science Theater (which his mother hated). He has performed at multiple comedy Festivals including Limestone, Cape Fear, and Cincinnati Brew Ha-Ha. He is also a regular contributor for the Daily Dot and An Evening with the Authors, a monthly show where comedians create fake authors and read excerpts from fake books.



 

New Study Finds Exposure to Plus-Sized Models Has Many Benefits

New Study Finds Exposure to Plus-Sized Models Has Many Benefits

Long-lasting Poly Series: Michael and Agnes

Long-lasting Poly Series: Michael and Agnes